My friend once commented that we all seems to have different dynamics to our relationships with our mothers. How are some mothers and daughters able to bypass those things that strain most mother daughter relationships and actually call each other friends? How do some see each other as rivals and how do others even come to hate each other?
I can't speak for those I know, I can only speak for myself and of my own mother. I called my mother today. She currently down south, visiting her own mother who is dying from Alzheimer's. I was concerned about her. After all, her mother is her best-friend. She always had a very close relationship with her mother and whenever she speaks of her mother, there is a wealth of love and intimacy in the word "Ma" that I can honestly say that sometimes, I am even jealous of the word. There's a softness to her tone that carries in the "m" sound.
You'd think she would be in pain, torn apart, losing her mother. But she first asks me about her grandson and then matter-of-factly fills me in on my grandmother's condition. I asked her if she was ok and how she was holding up. Her response was pretty much what you would expect, she is sad but she knows that one day she'll see her mother again, in heaven. There was such serene faith in her voice that for a moment I felt it wash over me and ease some of my own sorrow away.
Maybe we will never be best friends. She'll always try to tell me what to do and I'll always "not listen". But in the end, she is still my mother and without the weird way she shows her affections, I think I'd be lost. Maybe I'm more like her than I realized. In the midst of absolute grief, we are like two calm bodies of water. I am my mother's daughter as much as she has been her mother's. When the dust clears after the moment and the moment is no more, all that remains is who we are. We are mothers and daughters and that speaks volumes in and of itself.
I realize that's fairly vague, but I'm still working it out. Maybe one of these days I actually will.
Sincerely Yours
Wednesday
Tuesday
The long awaited phone call
I've waited ten years for the phone call that would come from relatives who do not speak to me or my family any more, to tell us that my maternal grandmother is dying. She has Alzheimer's. This is the end of the road and even though we parted years ago (living so far apart and her not being able to recognize me anyway), it's still more difficult than I imagined. She's not dead yet but she will be soon. I told my mother not to call me and tell me. I'm not sure for who my heart is crying right now, my mother (who is losing her best friend) or me (who's losing the grandmother I love dearly).
My Dida. That's who she is, was, and always will be. She was a woman of enormous strength in a world that offered women very little choice. She did the impossible and it's because of her strength that I am even here or have come as far as I have. I wonder if the women (the daughters and granddaughters) she is leaving behind even knows or understands her true worth. She was the proverbs 31st woman to me even if she did leave her husband with six children in tow. She worked and raised them (however stupidly they behaved later in life) all by herself in a society that was anything but kind to single mothers.
God I miss her so much. My one great heartache is that she didn't get to lay eyes on her great-grandson, to see his beautiful face. But I know she's going home and when she does, she'll look down from heaven and see him. I just wish I could have watched her face or seen her hold him. I just wish he could have known who she was, where he comes from. My son is called Madison (in Old English it means "son of the mighty warrior"), I wish he could have known the line of warriors that came before him.
She's still there but her brain has been slowly dying and now she's finally done. I've waited ten years for this moment and now that it's here, I find the taste bitter. There is no sweetness in this bitter nectar. Yet, feast on it I must. Not out of choice but out of necessity. This is a rite of passage and quite frankly it sucks!
Sincerely Yours
My Dida. That's who she is, was, and always will be. She was a woman of enormous strength in a world that offered women very little choice. She did the impossible and it's because of her strength that I am even here or have come as far as I have. I wonder if the women (the daughters and granddaughters) she is leaving behind even knows or understands her true worth. She was the proverbs 31st woman to me even if she did leave her husband with six children in tow. She worked and raised them (however stupidly they behaved later in life) all by herself in a society that was anything but kind to single mothers.
God I miss her so much. My one great heartache is that she didn't get to lay eyes on her great-grandson, to see his beautiful face. But I know she's going home and when she does, she'll look down from heaven and see him. I just wish I could have watched her face or seen her hold him. I just wish he could have known who she was, where he comes from. My son is called Madison (in Old English it means "son of the mighty warrior"), I wish he could have known the line of warriors that came before him.
She's still there but her brain has been slowly dying and now she's finally done. I've waited ten years for this moment and now that it's here, I find the taste bitter. There is no sweetness in this bitter nectar. Yet, feast on it I must. Not out of choice but out of necessity. This is a rite of passage and quite frankly it sucks!
Sincerely Yours
Monday
Life after the interview
Recently I interviewed for a job which for me would have been a promotion. Suffice it to say that I didn't get it. Nothing really changed as a result or maybe everything did change and I just haven't fully processed it yet. There is perhaps a part of me that is disappointed to a degree but mostly, I'm relieved. I am honest enough to admit that while I would have loved the challenge and am competitive enough to not only rise to the occasion but thrive with the challenge, I am not ready to take that step just yet. Does that make me a poor candidate or a strong one?
Prior to this interview I wrestled with things such as the dynamics of how my relationship would change if I got the job. My manager had asked me if I was prepared since she had quite a number of applicants. I was prepared, I was confident. I went into that conference room and walked out shinning like a brand new copper penny left out in the sun. So what went wrong? In the end, my tendency to think aloud by asking questions is what killed my chances. So you really can ask too many questions and they can be stupid.
However that is a very vague statement and offers poor perspective on this particular meal.
A few years ago I would have been very disappointed and thoughts regarding my insecurity would have bombarded my mind. Now I've come to the conclusion that I need to clearly think about my questions before I ask them. Perception is 99.9% of our make up whether we like it or not. Whether you learn by asking questions or tend to speak your thoughts aloud, the world will not forgive you such faux pas.
So in the end, this particular dish with the slight bitter after taste was rather enjoyable. I've learned that my talent with words, my ability to manipulate words to create something out of nothing extends from the creative fiction I pen to the professional business compositions I create every day. I learned that I have grown in the last few years. I am no longer that girl who only pretended and hid behind arrogance. I have confidence that comes from accepting that I walk to a different drummer, a tune that's completely mine. I won't apologize, simply keep walking this road.
And thus ends this day, with thoughts of growth rattling around in my head. I can safely say that I know myself better for having feasted on this meal. Perhaps I couldn't wash that slight bitter taste out of my mouth completely but I am glad for having tried this meal. Life is about perspective and we get to choose our own. Family and friends my impose their expectations on us but we are not obligated to live up to these expectations. Learn from life, drink the bitter nectar along with the sweet wine. In the end, thank God for being able to taste both and learning your preference. The more you taste, the more you drink of life, the better your palate becomes until you can actually begin to separate the lies from the truth.
Sincerely Yours
Prior to this interview I wrestled with things such as the dynamics of how my relationship would change if I got the job. My manager had asked me if I was prepared since she had quite a number of applicants. I was prepared, I was confident. I went into that conference room and walked out shinning like a brand new copper penny left out in the sun. So what went wrong? In the end, my tendency to think aloud by asking questions is what killed my chances. So you really can ask too many questions and they can be stupid.
However that is a very vague statement and offers poor perspective on this particular meal.
A few years ago I would have been very disappointed and thoughts regarding my insecurity would have bombarded my mind. Now I've come to the conclusion that I need to clearly think about my questions before I ask them. Perception is 99.9% of our make up whether we like it or not. Whether you learn by asking questions or tend to speak your thoughts aloud, the world will not forgive you such faux pas.
So in the end, this particular dish with the slight bitter after taste was rather enjoyable. I've learned that my talent with words, my ability to manipulate words to create something out of nothing extends from the creative fiction I pen to the professional business compositions I create every day. I learned that I have grown in the last few years. I am no longer that girl who only pretended and hid behind arrogance. I have confidence that comes from accepting that I walk to a different drummer, a tune that's completely mine. I won't apologize, simply keep walking this road.
And thus ends this day, with thoughts of growth rattling around in my head. I can safely say that I know myself better for having feasted on this meal. Perhaps I couldn't wash that slight bitter taste out of my mouth completely but I am glad for having tried this meal. Life is about perspective and we get to choose our own. Family and friends my impose their expectations on us but we are not obligated to live up to these expectations. Learn from life, drink the bitter nectar along with the sweet wine. In the end, thank God for being able to taste both and learning your preference. The more you taste, the more you drink of life, the better your palate becomes until you can actually begin to separate the lies from the truth.
Sincerely Yours
Sunday
My Life in Perspective
I'm not trying to offer an explanation or an apology. I'm simply attempting to find my own voice. After three decades on this Earth and all that I have learned and experienced, I'm still trying to grasp at a purpose, to wrestle some meaning from it all. This is my attempt to make sense of the chaos that is life. I don't offer an explanation or a solution, nor will I attempt to create any order. It is not because I can't make the offer, it's simply that I choose not to.
Life has provided me with plenty to swallow, I'm simply returning the favour by providing the perspective. This I will do, but at another time, when my eyes aren't screaming for sleep. For now, I'm going to grab a two hour nap since I need to feed my son in two hours time. Rest assured, we will continue this conversation later.
Until then,
Sincerely Yours
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